Many people enjoy the idea of long-lasting friendships and relationships full of love, loyalty, and trust. And, don’t get me wrong, those can be really fun. However, sometimes we can find ourselves in friendships and relationships where that love, loyalty, and trust are just that: an idea, not reality. If this is the case, chances are that you are in a toxic relationship. The toxicity could negatively impact and/or be sourced from one party or both, but nonetheless, someone almost always gets hurt. Because toxic relationships are so prevalent in our culture today, but so often overlooked or swept aside for the sake of a sense of companionship and love, I wanted to outline the signs and traits of a toxic relationship as well as how to avoid them. Because you deserve more than settling, toxicity, pettiness, and the bare minimum!
Sign One: Lack of respect
No matter what kind of relationships you’re involved in, romantic or platonic, there should always be respect involved. In this context, Oxford Dictionaries defines respect as “due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.” Respect can be anything from simple things like acknowledging and following the other person’s boundaries or using kind words, to things that might be more difficult such as giving a person space when they need it or remaining calm in a stressful situation. When someone is disrespecting you in a relationship, it can look like constant name-calling, disregarding your boundaries, being insensitive to your feelings and emotions, using foul language when in a disagreement, never communicating with you, and always just feeling a sense of discomfort and rude energy from the other person. Of course, these are not the only signs of disrespect, but they are very common. If you’re experiencing any of these, you should evaluate the situation and try to determine how to move forward from there. Is it worth putting up with? Will the person make an effort to change their behavior if you confront them about it? If the answer is no, you need to move on! You were made for so much more than disrespect.
Sign Two: You’re sacrificing all your time and needs for them
When you’re in a toxic relationship and you’re sacrificing your own needs, you often feel very isolated, erased, unfulfilled, and drained. Sacrificing your own needs can be pretty self-explanatory, but some examples would be always attending to your partner but never yourself, always moving your boundaries to be more lenient for your partner, letting them control what you do or who you hang out with because you’re afraid they might get mad at you, and constantly giving your all, but never receiving it back. You might constantly feel like you are trying to gain your approval, and this can lead to losing yourself and the stuff that you love to do if you keep up that behavior. Not only do you risk losing yourself, but you risk always being disappointed because the chances of your energy being reciprocated in a toxic relationship are very slim. We all deserve reciprocity from the people that we value most in life, and if you find that you’re just not getting it with someone, it’s probably time to move on. No relationship that you’re in is worth sacrificing yourself, all your energy, your happiness, your hobbies and interests, and spending time with friends and family.
Sign Three: You feel drained and lonely with them
No friendship or relationship should ever leave you feeling either of those emotions. Ever. In a healthy relationship, there is simply no reason for it. Both parties should feel not only energized by each other but supported, loved, and committed to each other. It shouldn’t feel like there’s always some new drama with your person, or like there’s always a new fight waiting for you around the corner the next time you speak to them. There might be rough patches in your friendship or relationship, but they should never make you feel too badly for too long. If they do, it’s time to get out of it! You don’t have time to waste feeling lonely and tired when there are so many people out there who can help you feel welcomed and alive.
Sign Four: Codependency
Codependency is a type of toxicity that can stem from one or both parties in a relationship. The concept is quite self-explanatory. The person or persons are completely dependent on each other. It can result in a painful cycle where Person A needs Person B, and in turn, Person B feels the need to be needed by someone. In this example, Person A can base their whole life around pleasing Person B. They feel worthless when they don’t get attention from their enabler and oftentimes their whole mood can depend on how their relationship is going. Their whole life is devoted to getting attention and meeting the needs of the enabler, and it seems as if they have lost their own friends and hobbies or even careers that they had before the relationship. And on the other side of the coin, Person B gets pleasure from using the dependent and unwavering Person A. They’re fueled by Person A’s devotion and loyalty and know that they can make horrible mistakes in the relationship and still be forgiven because they are being so heavily depended on. If you’re in a relationship, and this description resonates with you, more specifically if you’re Person A, it’s time to get out and learn to set some boundaries. You are a unique individual, and although it might seem that you need this person so much, you can most definitely go on without them. It’s time to get your life back, and you should try to indulge in your own hobbies and interests again, and not let people step all over you. Your needs are real and valid, and if someone can’t respect that, they’re not worth your time!
Sign Five: Never owning up to faults, mistakes, or wrongdoings or apologizing
I don’t think anybody particularly enjoys being wrong, myself included. However, we need to recognize that being wrong, making mistakes, and having faults is just a fact of life. Nobody is perfect, and that is perfectly fine. However, what is not fine is not being able to own up to it. Some of the most toxic people you will ever meet will never be comfortable with surrendering their egos and admitting their mistakes and making an effort to apologize. For example, if someone says something to you that hurts your feelings and you confront them about it, they have two options. Number one would be to acknowledge their wrongdoing and apologize (spoiler alert: this is the healthy option!). And Number two would be to completely deny that they did anything, or say that you take everything too seriously, or something along the lines of, “You know I didn’t mean that. You make everything into an argument.” A “Number Two” person is honestly so toxic to you because if they can’t own up to something simple like that and change their behavior, imagine what they’ll be like when you face bigger challenges in the relationship. Not to mention, words like the ones stated in the “Number Two” example often spin into forms of gaslighting, which is a HUGE red flag. If you’ve never had the extremely awful experience of being gaslit, here’s the rundown: Gaslighting is when “the bully or abuser makes the target question their judgments and reality. Ultimately, the victim of gaslighting starts to wonder if they are losing their sanity.” Your partner constantly failing to admit that they’re wrong or that they made a mistake is never a good sign because you deserve honesty, empathy, and compassion in your relationship.
Avoiding Toxic Relationships and Leaving Them
Now that you know some of the signature signs that you’re in a toxic relationship and can recognize one, it’s important to know how to avoid one and even get out of one. To start, you should be observant when entering new relationships. Try to pay attention to see if they have any of these traits or if they display any of these behaviors. It’s important to catch onto the signs and red flags early on so they don’t spin out of control. If someone seems toxic, it’s better to play it safe and avoid furthering your relationship with them.
Next, if you’re already in a toxic relationship, it’s time to either communicate with your partner and work out a plan to fix it or cut the relationship off. Even though toxic relationships can be harmful, they’re not always hopeless. Sometimes they can be fixed, but always be cautious and careful when considering if they’re fixable or not. You don’t want to hold on just because you’re afraid of being alone. Since the decision can be hard to make, it’s often helpful to seek insight from responsible people that are close to you. This could be your parents, your family, or a therapist. These people are usually trustworthy because they want the best for you, and they probably have experience when it comes to relationships. It can be hard to finally come to the conclusion that you have to leave, but more often than not, it’s the healthiest option for you. After you find a way to break up, it’s important to do the things that make you happy again. Make the time to hang out with yourself, and build your confidence back up. It’s also very important to spend time with friends and family that are supportive of you.
Even though toxic relationships can be difficult to avoid, be in, fix, and leave, just know that you’re not alone in your experience. If you’re unsure if you’re in a toxic relationship, never hesitate to reach out to someone and talk about it, or even research and read up more on the topic.
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